When Mother's Day Hurts: A Guide to Navigating Grief and Estrangement
Every year, around the second Sunday of May, the world fills with flowers, brunches, and heartfelt posts about the irreplaceable women who raised us. And for many people, that collective celebration is a beautiful thing.
But for some of us, Mother's Day is one of the hardest days of the year.
If you have lost your mother, or if your relationship with her is complicated, distant, or simply not there, this day can bring a particular kind of pain. One that is quietly invisible, because it doesn't fit the script.
This post is for you.
You Are Not Alone in Finding This Day Hard
Grief over a mother, whether she has passed or whether the relationship never was what you needed it to be, doesn't follow a calendar. But the world around you on Mother's Day can make it feel like it should.
You might be navigating:
The loss of a mother who has died, whether recently or years ago
Estrangement from a mother who is still alive but not present in your life
A complicated relationship that holds both love and deep hurt
The grief of never having had the mother you deserved
Feeling like you "should be over it" by now
All of these are valid. All of these are real forms of loss.
What Happens in the Body
Grief and relational pain don't just live in our minds. They live in our bodies. In my work as a somatic therapist, I see this all the time, and Mother's Day is one of those moments that can bring it right to the surface.
You might notice:
A heaviness in your chest that's hard to explain
Irritability or a low mood that seems to come from nowhere
Difficulty sleeping, or dreaming more than usual
A desire to withdraw from social media, family gatherings, or public spaces
An almost physical ache when you see others celebrating
This is your nervous system responding to something that matters deeply to you. It is not weakness. It is not "being dramatic." It is grief doing what grief does, asking to be acknowledged.
If Your Mother Has Passed
Grief is not linear, and it does not have an expiry date. Whether you lost your mother last year or a decade ago, Mother's Day can reopen something that is always quietly present.
A few things that may help:
Let yourself feel it. Grief suppressed doesn't disappear. It accumulates in the body. Allow yourself to cry, to feel the sadness, to miss her. You don't have to be okay today.
Create your own ritual. Light a candle. Cook her favourite meal. Visit a place she loved. Write her a letter. Ritual gives grief somewhere to go, and it honours the relationship in a tangible way.
Talk to someone who knew her. Sharing memories keeps a person present. It can be surprisingly healing to say her name out loud and hear others say it too.
Give yourself permission to opt out. You do not have to attend the brunch, scroll through the Instagram posts, or explain yourself to anyone. Protecting your energy on hard days is an act of self-compassion, not avoidance.
If You Are Estranged from Your Mother
Estrangement is one of the most socially misunderstood forms of grief, because the loss is ambiguous. She is still alive, and yet the relationship is gone, or was never safe to begin with.
What makes this particularly hard is that the world doesn't really make space for this kind of grief. There are no condolence cards for estrangement. No rituals. And often, a great deal of judgment from people who simply don't understand the full picture.
You may have made the decision to step back from your mother to protect your own mental health, your children, or your sense of self. That decision, even when it was the right one, carries its own weight.
Some things worth remembering:
Your grief is legitimate. You are not grieving only what was. You may also be grieving what never was, and what you always needed but did not receive. That loss is real, and it deserves to be treated as such.
Complicated feelings can coexist. You can love someone and still know that closeness with them is harmful. You can miss a version of someone who never really existed. You can feel relief and sadness at the same time. None of this makes you a bad person.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. If people ask why you're not calling, visiting, or celebrating, "it's complicated" is a complete answer. You do not have to justify boundaries that protect you.
Be careful with social media. If seeing posts about wonderful mothers is painful today, it is completely fine to log off. Comparison on a hard day serves no one.
A Simple Somatic Practice for Difficult Days
When emotions feel overwhelming, coming back to the body can help you find ground. This is something I guide my clients through regularly, and it's simple enough to do anywhere, on your own.
Try this:
Find a quiet place to sit. Place both feet flat on the floor.
Put one hand on your chest, and one on your belly.
Take three slow breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth with a gentle sigh.
Ask yourself: where am I feeling this in my body right now? Don't try to fix it. Just notice.
Whisper to yourself, or write down: "This is hard. I am allowed to feel this. I am safe right now."
You don't have to resolve the grief today. You just have to get through the day, gently, and with kindness toward yourself.
When to Reach Out for Support
If Mother's Day consistently brings up feelings that feel unmanageable, whether that's depression, deep anger, shame, or a grief that doesn't seem to move, it may be worth exploring this with a therapist.
Somatic therapy can be a powerful space to process grief and relational wounds that have been held in the body for a long time. In my sessions, I work with people who are carrying exactly this kind of pain, and I have seen what becomes possible when we finally give it space.
You don't have to carry this alone.
If you'd like to explore what that could look like, I offer a free 15-minute introductory call, no pressure, just a conversation.
Fernanda Megda is a somatic therapist and counsellor based in Australia, supporting individuals navigating grief, life transitions, anxiety, and complex relationships. She works online across Australia and is registered with the Australian Counselling Association (ACA).
